AUTHOR: RALUCA MARCU, IN DIALOGUE WITH ALEXANDRA GHEBELEȘ, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, ASOCIAȚIA MENTAL HELP
The war talk – an emotionally charged discussion, a conflict that takes up all our attention and can cause us stress. That’s how we might describe the results of today’s discussions about the still ongoing armed conflict between Russia and Ukraine. Whether we like it or not, children are learning about the war. This time, not from history books, but from talks with friends, from the news or social media. But how prepared are we, the adults to talk to children about war? That’s the reason why we asked Alexandra Ghebeleș, clinical psychologist and founder of the Mental Help Association, to give us some tips on how to approach this sensitive topic.
Do we tell children about the war or not?
We start with the premise that parents are safety nets for their children. Healthy relationships are based on trust, so children need to know that their parents will be there for them, no matter what the future looks like. In other words, the talk about the war should NOT be avoided. Therefore, one of the first steps is to ask the children: “What do you know about this topic?” The child’s answer will help the adult identify the possible errors and debunk them, or, to establish the level of understanding and build on it, later. It is also important to remember that young children usually ask questions when they trust the parent/adult’s answers. Avoiding questions can lead to loss of confidence or to hiding future difficulties they may face.
Prepare the child, do NOT try to control the environment!
Out of a desire to protect, parents are often trying to control the environment and to remove the emotional triggers. This attitude, however, does not help on the long run, but hinders the child’s process of learning about how to cope with difficulties.
Unfortunately, we cannot stop the conflict. We can, however, reassure the children that HERE and NOW is no war. They need to know that as long as they are around us, we will do our best to keep them safe.
It can often be overwhelming for the parents to face the stressors themselves and to respond to their children’s needs. That’s why we’ve prepared 4 communication “methods” that can be used.
my introspection
Children can sense their parents’ emotions and they are highly intuitive. Thus, it is essential that before having a discussion with our children to take a moment to analyse our own feelings. And when we feel overwhelmed, we must be prepared to know how to ask for help.
– We should try not to convey our fears about the present or the future directly to the child, thus avoiding catastrophic scenarios, even if we, in our own comfort, think or imagine them.
– We should remember that we are the child’s Universe, the symbol of love, the security, and the well-being. We constantly need to remind them that they are safe now.
– When everything seems difficult, we can, and we should consult a psychologist.
we surround ourselves with good
It is not always the danger that triggers the overwhelming emotions, but the absence of the coping mechanisms. One of our roles is, however, to develop these mechanisms. Therefore, we should continue looking for and encouraging activities that make the children feel good.
We can reassure the child that nobody knows what the future might hold. There is no war here and now. We can repeat more often the following words: “You are safe. Despite all, this war also manages to unite us and develop empathy. Let me tell you how people have come together to help refugees in Ukraine.”
We should not say Everything will be alright or Let’s stop thinking about it!
we are safe
It is our duty to equip your child with skills to manage and understand the emotions triggered by such an event. Emotions are unavoidable and can sometimes be unpleasant. If we experience and understand them, they will dissipate over time.
Positive Emotions VS Negative Emotions
Emotions are emotions. That’s it. They are natural and we all experience them. They are meant to send us a message. It is important to name these states and develop ACCEPTANCE. Sometimes we are afraid, but we can identify what it is we are afraid of and learn to manage it. We are afraid of war, but we remember that we are safe now, because all we have is HERE and NOW.
we talk, we play and we understand
We can enter the world of children through games. Using symbols or real-life examples, we can explain unfamiliar concepts to them (e.g., Have you come across a situation where two people want the same thing?).
– Children are curious and their imagination allows them to create lots of scenarios. We should try not to use catastrophic language, but only present to them the real facts.
– We can adjust our language according to the children’s age and their ability to understand.
– Finally, it’s very important to be aware of the content the minors watch, filter it and set appropriate limits.
